I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
