also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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