My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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