The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
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The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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