Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
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we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
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And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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