The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
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