I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
