Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
