just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
