If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE