I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
New York to be Host to Americaâ€™s Biggest Singles Event
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Kylie Jenner Wasnâ€™t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?