Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
