I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
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I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
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Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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