During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
