i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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