do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I have feelings that need drinking.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
