I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
