You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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