Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
