In the future we'll all be gay
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
