I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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