sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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