im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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