how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
