Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
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