no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
