The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
