Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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