$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
