Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
