My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Randomize
