i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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