im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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