2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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