Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
