I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
