I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
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I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
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My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
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