Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize