Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Randomize
