I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
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There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
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I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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