Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize