def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Randomize
