I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
