Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
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Actions speak louder than pants.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
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You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
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