I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
