so explain again why im purple
no
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
