Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
The Olympian is in my bed
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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