Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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