and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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