what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
