This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
