I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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