Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
