I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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