Your face is a jimmy john
I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
