The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
