I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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