I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.