they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.