I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
