did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
