Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
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